one of my fake senior pictures... 

multnomah falls 

one of the "other" falls... 

it feels like today...

yesterday i called my friend heather and when her phone rings, it rings the lyrics to the song "feels like today" by rascal flatts... i really like that song a lot... that inspired me to put the cd in and jam to it last night and this morning... lately life has felt pretty blah... i finished school... and work has stayed consistent... ministry has been very low-key... i don't feel like i do a whole lot, but it's been getting exciting - building relationships with the sr. high girls... and we're starting a new bible study on esther this weekend...

but sunday was wonderful... it rocked my face off... and this week has continued to get better... i get to work a week of centrifuge as a special team staff in northeastern washington... which is totally exciting... i miss camp a lot - but i can't work full summers of camps... there is a lot of other fun stuff surrounding me working at riverview - heather is going to be there with her old church, so i'll get to spend time with a dear friend... plus, i get paid from my job, because i get paid vacation, plus i get paid for working camp... plus all my lodging and meals are included... plus i get reimbursed for my travel to and from camp... so all that stuff completely rocks my face off... and i have it on good authority that riverview is the best northwest centrifuge location... and i haven't been to eastern washington - i'll be really close to the panhandle of idaho - which isn't that far from montana - so i may drive to montana just for the heck of it - and to add some states to my list...

but all that being said... there's something else in the air... i can't quite put my finger on it - and i don't know if it is that there's a lot of stuff going on... i'm writing up a story for the paper next week - and it's my first story not about a convention event... where i get to go out in the field and interview and take pictures and research it... plus our church has a mission team coming in from odessa, texas to do sports clinics/backyard bible clubs in a couple of weeks... so there's some buzz about that... or maybe the thing in the air is the beginnings of normalcy... as the "lazy, hazy crazy days of summer" kick in...

i'm not sure, but as i listened to the lyrics (feels like today) this morning on my way to work, i was brushing tears off of my cheeks... it may not be today - but soon... something is on the horizon... sometimes i get this in my mind... and sometimes it turns out to be nothing more than God wanting my attention and sometimes it turns out to be something more... like a semester in east asia or a huge life-move to the northwest...

so i don't know what's coming, if anything... but i feel like it's big... and i like the way that it feels...

here are the lyrics, just in case you want to read them or don't know them...

Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me
that I can't explain
Like a weight that I've carried
Has been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don't know what it is
But I know it's amazing, you save me
My time is coming
And I'll find my way out of this longest drought

It feels like today I know
it feels like today I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But its not a moment frozen in time
It's not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all
So while this storm is breaking
While there's light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure,
that's my heartache
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today know,
it feels like today, I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
The last sacred blessin'
It feels like today
Feels like today

And it feels like today know,
it feels like today, I'm sure
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
The last sacred blessin'
It feels like today

Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like feels like your life changes
Its the one thing that's missin'
The one thing you're wishin'
The last sacred blessin'
Feels like today
Feels like Feels like your life changes
Feels like Feels like your life changes

someone was praying for me...

yesterday was an amazing day... i know fully that my words will not do it justice... but i'm going to attempt...

i planned to teach the first session of God's Heart for the Nations in my class yesterday because my books have not come in yet... which i was frustrated about... but then, as we talked about God's glory - what it means to glorify God with our lives, i watched some ideas click in the girls' eyes... when i asked them, "what does it mean to honor God with our bodies?" - they said, "i think it means being pure... dressing modestly... taking care of yourself..." - and the entire lesson became an opportunity to get real with them... it wasn't a spectacular lesson... we definitely ran out of time without even getting into a whole lot of stuff... but that clicking moment... that split second where they got it... stuff that we talked about wasn't just abstract God-stuff anymore... this translates to what i do everyday... it was very cool...

then i had a leadership team meeting after church, which i'm growing to love less and less everytime... we don't really get anything done... low point of the day, for sure...

i had convinced a couple of friends to go with me to a worship event in seattle... a few other friends from church were already going, but their car was full... so i convinced dave and beckie to go with me... and they were asking me what it was like and i couldn't really explain it... funny thing is, i still can't...

we had been in the church about 10 minutes, when i got a phone call... it was my friend micah... he said, "i'm watching you..." - he could see me through the doors... and that started the onslaught of people i knew... i know a lot of people... i don't think i realize how many people i know... and it was so encouraging to see people that i haven't seen in a long time... people who have been a part of my northwest journey, if only for a week or two - or a few days... i saw heather's mom... and it was comforting to talk to someone about her - someone who knows her and loves her and misses her, too... and i saw chris and meredith... their spare room has provided me with a haven in seattle... a point of refuge if i ever need it... they gave me a hard time about not coming to visit them lately... so i guess i'll have to plan another trip soon... i saw pastors of churches and friends from seminary, friends from camp... and it was cool... i talked with a lady that i knew - sometimes she drives me a little nuts... but she asked how stuff was going at the church and i told her about that morning - and that it was good and she looked at me and said, "that's your passion..." which is funny... for the last few months i've been wrestling with that question and feeling so inadequate in so many areas of my life because i didn't know the answer... and i definitely think that youth ministry is part of that... but it's really that clicking moment... that very well could be my passion... that split second when it connects... and it's no longer a bible story or an overused cliche, but it's REAL... i want to be someone that is available to help them reach that point in their journey... cool... that half hour before the service started was encouraging... i thought it would be just as encouraging as the two hours that would follow... i was wrong...

the theme of the night was "how do you see worship?" and as we walked in, we were handed cut-outs of frames... and as the service started, they played interviews of different people... "how do you see worship?" - and it was a good intro for what was about to follow... we started to sing and there were hundreds of people in the auditorium... and even though i was singing loud, i couldn't really hear myself... everyone was singing... going to a small church, i miss out on that sometimes... if one or two people stop singing on sunday morning, it's obvious... not the case last night... i love that feeling... i like the corporate-ness of it... they were all singing praises to my Daddy, too...

the songs reflected themes of glory to God - i can't name all the songs we sang... not even if i tried... but i walked in a frustrated minister... someone who was so tired of going through the motions... not understanding my purpose, my mission, my passion... but continuing on because that's what i knew to do... unhappy and frustrated, but putting on a good front for the world - because that's what the world wants to see... the main speaker asked us to get honest with God... to think about the frame and get face-to-face with God and really examine who we were before God... the image that kept coming into my head was a little girl... but not just any little girl... a little girl full of life and possibilites... despite that life and those possibilities, the little girl was wearing a huge frown... the pout-y face that little girls do so well... and that i mastered in my early years... that little girl could have the world - so much ahead of her - but too focused on her own circumstances and not getting the toy (or whatever prize) that she wanted... so instead of focusing on the good, was unhappy and frustrated at not getting what she desperately desired...

last night for the first time in a long time i was able to drop some of those frustrations... to be able to say "God, i trust you... You have it all under control... maybe you don't want me to have that pink plastic necklace because you want me to go a little longer without them so that after i go through some of this, you'll give me the real thing... the strand of pearls without blemish..."

it is no secret that i've been frustrated in my singleness lately... and one of the most challenging and encouraging things that happened at ONE was that for 2 hours, i didn't think about singleness as a plague, but as a gift... my focus was shifted completely from my typical frustrations to one of blessing and joy... i even went there... i said it... "i would definitely be okay if God calls me to singleness..." and i meant it...

i was overwhelmed at the idea of God's glory filling the whole earth... it flowed into the ideas of not wanting to be silent... i have to tell the world... share the hope of Jesus Christ with those that don't know... the speaker talked about the woman at the well... as soon as he said John 4, i was thrilled... it's one of my favorite passages about Jesus' life... one of my favorite things about it was something that he talked about... the samaritans believed because of her testimony, but then once they encountered Jesus, they no longer believed just because of what she said, "but because we have heard Him ourselves. Now we know that He is indeed the Savior of the world." chills... yes, they believed because of who Jesus is... but what if she hadn't first been willing to share... my life has been radically changed by Jesus... i want to tell someone...

at one point, i found myself mouth open as wide as possible, grinning from ear to ear, singing as loud as i can - glory to God... i can't say it loud enough or too much... all praise, glory, honor, worship belong to Him alone...

a cool definition i heard was that truth is the reality behind all the appearances... after all of my "stuff" was stripped away, i saw what was deep in my heart... and i left feeling joyful... "i love you, too, God..."

the experienced fueled our discussion on the drive home... it was unusual... not that we don't talk about spiritual things usually, but not in that manner... it felt natural and normal to be able to share my heart... probably because it was in the right place...

someone was praying for me... i am not sure who it was, but it made a difference... my world looks a lot different today...

modified tradition...

usually the first wednesday of the month is the day when we have our staff chapel... well, this week, because of the holiday on monday, it was this morning - thursday... so i usually write an entry on the first wednesday of the month... this month it's thursday... but it's still quiet and a pleasant time, with only the distant rumbling of the press out in the shop... but that's like the noise of the dryer - consistent and soothing... i like it... i think i'm going to write about random things, rather that writing a separate post for each one - it will make my life easier!!!

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i went to see the sisterhood of the traveling pants last night... opening night, no less... AND i got in for free - it pays to have friends to have friends who work at the theater... i don't know how much i expected... i expected to like it a lot - but i didn't expect it to be a great movie... i left not really knowing what i thought, either... i really did like it a lot but i don't know if i think it's a great movie or not... i think it's a feel-good... but i would like to see it again before i make any strong judgments about how great it is... but i do like it a lot and will probably end up buying it when it comes out on dvd... but it has been a long time since i've been to a movie on opening day... but it was a wednesday and a late showing and there weren't very many people there - only 3 others in the theater... it definitely is not the worst movie i've ever seen and i wasn't disappointed... i really did like it a lot...

****************

last night i got an email from one of my youth-girls... as i read it, i thought... i love those girls and i have a terrific opportunity to build relationships with them... i feel very honored to be in a position to be sharing about Jesus with them on a regular basis... and i feel very blessed that so far, it's been very easy to build those relationships... i have started sending out emails to them on a semi-regular basis - just to say hi and see how things are going... and i love their responses... it's nothing, i guess... but even the fact that they would take the time to respond... most of the girls in my group come from broken homes... they have a lot of junk that they carry around on a regular basis... a lot of the stuff i don't even know about... but i know that they have it... and i'm glad that they get excited about church - that they are willing - they want to learn and get excited about what God is doing in their lives and around the world... we're starting a new study this week on the life of esther and i think it's going to be amazing to take them through that study - actually, to let God take us all through it...

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today in chapel, our bookkeeper was asked to give a testimony - in it, she shared about abraham - and when he was asked to sacrifice isaac... and she said something about how the ram stuck in the bush must have been the most beautiful sight that abraham had ever seen... and the sound of the ram, frustrated and making a ton of noise must have been the most beautiful music abraham had heard... that hit me... hard... i hope that i choose to be obedient to God and when it seems hardest, in the most unexpected places, God will provide... and what He provides will be beautiful to me... the sounds will be magnificent in my ears and that i'll offer that praise back to God...

i have friends that had a band called my isaac... and i'm wondering what my isaac is... my personal isaac... what has God given to me - that big thing - that He's asking me to sacrifice... and if i do sacrifice it - or if i am obedient to sacrifice it and God provides another sacrifice to take its place - what will that look like? do i trust God? do i trust His timing? i wish i could say, "absolutely... yes... every time..." i don't want to think about how much i actually do (or don't)...

****************

at graduation, the president of our school shared a story... he was a kid whose parents didn't go to church - and he was one of the neighborhood kids... a church reached out to him and made an impact in his life... that's kind of the basics... anyway, he shared that he was asked to speak at a church - kind of out in the middle of nowhere, arizona - and he doesn't generally turn down speaking engagements - so he went... he said while he was there, in between services, he went down to the convenience store to get a bottle of water... when he walked out of the store, a truck pulled up and a little boy was hanging out of the side of the truck shirtless... and the little boy said, "hey... mister... are you a lawyer?" - and he said... "no, are you???" - and the little boy said, "no... i'm just a kid..." - and he told the boy he was a preacher - and the boy said, "are you preaching at ____ church?" - whatever the church's name where he was speaking - and he said he was... and the little boy turned serious and said, "mister, that's a good church... that's my church" - and when dr. iorg got back to the church, he told the pastor about the experience and the pastor knew exactly who the boy was... jack... and when dr. iorg got home from the speaking engagement, he told his wife that he was ready to quit his job as president of golden gate to move to arizona and minister to jack... to reach out to kids in the neighborhoods - who someday may grow up to be presidents of seminaries, because someone was willing to find them and share Christ with them... and his wife said,"sure... we can do that... or you can send out hundreds as graduates - and challenge them to go..." - and i will be honest and say, as i sat there, that was what made me cry... i was ready to go... i am ready to go... and right now i think the "jacks" that God has me ministering to are those senior high girls... who need to know about what it means to be a follower of Christ - a girl after God's heart... but if God calls me out, i'm ready to go... sometimes i hate being bound up by the walls of my cubicle... and while it enables me to pay rent in order to have a place to live and gives me freedom in having a set schedule and good hours to still be able to minister at night and on weekends... sometimes i just want to be out there... but for now... God has me here...

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so i guess that's it for now... it's been a while since i've written anything down... so i appreciate the vent time... but i guess i should get a little bit of work done before they get out of their meeting - in 5 minutes!!!

this is it - it's official... i have the diploma!!!